Sure, there are TONS of items I would really like to change about myself and my life. Perhaps some just seem too scary or insurmountable for a Tuesday of any given week. Much of my laundry list is not all that frightening at all, and I happily address those details (training for an Iron distance race). But often, the other details get lost in the mix or overlooked (I will be better about folding the laundry immediately when the dryer stops). Why are we, as humans, so contradictory by nature? Do we really just not know what we want until it hits us in the face? Why must we be threatened or scared into these "resolutions" to make change happen?
Contradictions are all around us. Life is full of contradictions. Walking the dog down the neighborhood street, I found it hilarious to read "sanitary sewer" on the manhole I stepped over. I mean, is that an oxymoron? I tell my kids not to ride their bikes without helmets, but I have been known to climb on my mountain bike without a brain bucket. (I justify this since Florida's topography is ridiculously flat.) I think of myself as (mostly) a vegetarian, but love to eat sushi. I live for squeaky clean tile under bare feet, yet I agreed to--and facilitated--the adoption of the [profusely shedding] dirty dog the kids begged for relentlessly.
Maybe I am just a hypocrite?
I love to get down and dirty in the mud and sweat like a maniac while working out, but I often take as many as four showers a day. I love sports and exploring outside, but I live to wear heels and dress up. I giggle to see my Sidi bike shoes next to a favorite pair of heels on my shoe rack. I like to think of myself as a "wash and go" kind of girl, but I go to great lengths to have lovely hair. I love to work out with boys because they push me to be faster and stronger, but I love to be girly in pink compression socks running next to them. I could not imagine driving anything but an SUV, but I claim to love the environment while trying to recycle everything and conserve in other ways.
Am I insane?
Maybe it's all just a hoax. A lie. Maybe, just maybe, each and every one of us is spinning our wheels, working tirelessly everyday to be someone or something we are not. Maybe at the heart of the issue, we are all harboring deep, dark secrets we don't want other people to discover for fear they may think we're ugly and self-centered at the core. Maybe the skeletons we keep help us maintain some sort of mystique in our own minds. Perhaps we love the duality of it all. Maybe it's the thrill and confusion of this contraction, but we "resolve" to be better people and right the wrongs for our consciences' sake. We want "credit" for working on ourselves and trying to be "better" people, but we don't really want to give up the skeletons. An empty closet would be scary.
Secretly, I really do want to kill those guys on our long bike rides because I know they think of me as a "weak girl", but I am never going to admit this out loud. That just sounds too competitive. That would be so unfeminine of me, and there is nothing I love more than wearing a flower-print jersey while politely dropping boys.
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