Alone

"I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." -Henry David Thoreau


Sometimes I really worry about myself. There is an emptiness that lives inside of me that threatens to consume everything. It feels like it's always kind of with me, quiet under the surface, but ready and willing to make its presence known if I were to allow it more momentum. I mean, just because emptiness is a resident doesn't mean I have to entertain it...or do I?


I like to be alone. For as social as I am, I enjoy the quiet nothingness of being out in the woods or walking the beach solo at night. I love finding myself by myself out West in the dark of night; only the stars know I am there. When I'm alone, I am not accountable to anyone and my actions are mine alone. These are the times that memories from so long ago seep back into my consciousness. 


I think about people I used to know. I think about the time we spent together and all of the wonderful things they taught me. I remember how each of those individuals taught me how to love in a way that was beyond my scope or understanding. 


I wonder if we are meant to be alone for this purpose. In the quiet, we are forced to deal with our innermost demons and darkness and shortcomings. We have to face our fears and sadness and regrets. When I am quiet, my mind plays with all the thoughts I don't want to think, like fingers running over the scratchy fibers of a familiar blanket. It doesn't necessarily feel good, but it feels like something that must be done....a mindless impulse or obsessive compulsion.


I run, and run, and run all day at full speed ahead because I mostly don't care to think about the pain. I don't want to remember any sadness. My life is so full of so much joy, why would I dwell on the emptiness? For as beautifully complicated as my world tends to be, it seems futile to focus on the the minor missing components. Then again, "minor" is a matter of interpretation, I guess. 


I like to be alone, but I really don't like loneliness. I don't care for that hollow feeling. Are emptiness and loneliness one and the same? Have you ever stood in a crowd of people, outwardly radiant and laughing, all the while feeling so alone you are certain the emptiness from inside is going to swallow you?

Yes.