Communication, or lack thereof, defines any relationship. Words are powerful. They have the capability to reinforce or destroy. How we choose our words and relate to other people, what we share with those around us, determines to what degree we are connected. My brief pleasantries exchanged with the man working behind the postoffice counter is, indeed, different from the varied and meaningful conversations I have with my best girlfriends.
This exchange of words not only sets humans apart from other species, it dictates our level of connectedness. Across the animal kingdom, different populations live and work communally and have their own way of expressing themselves. They get along just fine on their level of relations. However, the expectation most people have in relationships is one of a deeper, more meaningful way of exchanging and connecting. The hand signals and body language of apes allow them to accomplish impressive feats in their communities, but humans desire a more raw, real, articulate inner working of thoughts, emotions, and expression.
Some people just don't know how to go about achieving this communication, which always astounds me, a wordy girl. However, I am learning to be more understanding and empathetic for those who cannot find words. Words simply elude them somehow. This becomes increasingly apparent to me the more I meet people and develop relationships. The vast divide that separates men and women with regard to communication is ever fascinating. The communication chasm between us is capable of creating the same distance in hearts if we are not mindful of it.
My mother used to always preach the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I might take this one step further to suggest, "If you are thinking something nice about someone, you should always say it." I am an avid believer, and try to teach my own children daily, that if you have a helpful or encouraging thought about someone, even if that person is a stranger just in passing, what harm can come from sharing it? This world needs all the positive influence it can get. People need to hear encouraging words, regardless of gender, though we might receive these words differently.
I ran 17 miles with four friends yesterday in preparation for a pending marathon. Our eclectic 5:00 am running group includes a warm, lively, goody-goody woman; super competitive, Type A neurologist guy; a sarcastic metrosexual, self-employed pretty boy; and a smack-talking, self-deprecating, guy's guy attorney. All three of the men are good people to the core and would give anyone the shirt off their backs. All three are reluctant to ever show the softer side of what really comprises their character.
The woman running with us voiced that she wanted to take on more of my philosophy of sharing nice thoughts, so she cordially and genuinely stated what "nice skin" Pretty Boy has. While he gushed and made some joke to deflect the compliment (he was bracing for the backlash), Neurologist and Attorney jumped all over him. The commentary was nothing short of brutal; they were relentless with ugly words and cutting insults, branding him a "fag" and "gay", all because one woman shared kind words from her heart. A simple act that was meant to be uplifting and encouraging quickly became ugly and slanderous. These guys were like wild animals attacking, despite the fact they are close-knit friends and good people.
In order to put an end to the abuse, I jumped on the kindness bandwagon and suggested Pretty Boy has nice hair, in addition to his "nice skin". They got the message. Thing One and Thing Two looked at each other and simply said, "I guess we don't have either?" The insults, of course, continued, however, as the run progressed. "Nice skin" was raised at least eight more times in as many miles. Those haters took any opportunity to work it back into conversation.
"Nice weather we are having for our long run."
"Yes, but is it as nice as Homo's skin?"
Why do men "communicate" with each other in this way? Why are they so uncomfortable with kind commentary? Why do compliments make them squirm? Why can we not just have pleasant conversation and elevate people freely without worrying about backlash from the peanut gallery? Why are so many men afraid of words, specifically those directly from the heart?
I recently spoke to a man who shared that his son was sought after to be the mascot for the high school football team. This seemed like a pretty impressive honor to me, considering his kid is only a wiry, inexperienced freshman. Clearly someone recognized his kid's agility, coordination, and talent to approach him and invite him to try out for the position. This means the boy will practice with the cheer team as part of his training for football games.
Apparently dad had made some wise remarks to his boy being part of the "cheer squad", razzed him for working out with the girls. I challenged him on his taunting commentary, at which point he produced a text to his boy that read, "kick ass" in response to his boy letting him know he was staying after school to pursue the mascot position.
"'Kick ass'? That's all you had to say to him?" I said in disbelief to his "proof" of affirmation. "Where is the encouragement in that?"
While I wanted to run to the rescue of that kid, squeeze him and tell him how proud of him I am (I don't know him at all and I am sure his mother already did this), Guy Code is becoming more apparent to me. Little by little, I am figuring out how to decipher it. Clearly, "kick ass" was meant (and I am sure received) as, "Boy, I am so very proud of you. Go get it. I know you can." Maybe this guy didn't have those words in his repertoire. It probably wasn't modeled to him because that's not how "real men" talk. It's still blatantly apparent how proud of his boy he really is, it's just communicated in jest, I suppose.
I can also appreciate, as a parent, that often times if we show too much interest or enthusiasm in something our kids are pursuing, they may just abandon the project altogether if we think it's too cool. We have to play our cards carefully. Maybe that's exactly why kids need two parents? They receive two very different kinds of reinforcement from mom and dad; moms give it to them mushy and sugar-laden, while dads state the obvious with fewer words. (Does this make men more efficient?)
I woke up early to ride the bike this morning. With sleep still in my eyes, I went through the ritual of sitting on the cold bathroom tile in the dark to get dressed in clothes laid out the night before. I mostly use the light of my phone to be sure I am putting my shorts on the proper way in the dark, but it also helps me wake up to breeze through email and scroll down Facebook.
As I was trying to catch up on any life that transpired there while I slumbered, I caught two photos in the feed of my brother-in-law with a cute girl he is dating. Based on the pictures, it looks like he is pretty smitten with her. I silently applauded him in my head for posting those photos and being so bold with his feelings, not just with her, but also in the eyes of the world. Essentially, he was publicly stating," Check out this girl. I am really into her." It warmed my heart. Then I read the commentary below the photos from a few of his closest guy friends...
"Super gay, John!!! Really??? Really???"
"Awwww!!!! How nice!!! Romantic fag!"
"Soooo cute! Fruity loop."
Why is a man "gay" in the eyes of his friends if he wants to shout from the rooftops he is in love? Women eat that kind of stuff up because we are genetically engineered for it, I guess, but do men have to be so hateful about it? Women want words, and we want kind words. Maybe if more men started consciously shifting the tide and began sharing more compassionate, encouraging words, the Guy Code could slowly be rewritten, or at least revised. Men could still use their abridged language, but perhaps the contents could be kinder.
We are so afraid of "feminizing" our boys in this society, the pendulum has almost swung too far, in my opinion. A boy shouldn't be ostracized or made to feel any less masculine because he is going to workout with cheer girls in short skirts. A man shouldn't feel insecure to receive a compliment in the presence of his friends and colleagues. A guy shouldn't be ridiculed for posting affectionate photos with a girl who has captured his heart.
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